One Christmas my hubby and I gave our little girl a gift we thought she would enjoy. As it turns out we were right. She never asked for it but we have come to know the types of things she is interested in. In turn, we went with our gut and gave from the heart. Later, when I asked my daughter how she felt about her gift she simply said “I never knew I wanted it or could even ask for it, but I love it so much!”.

Recently my Heavenly Father gave me such a gift.  Allow me to take a few seconds to tell you about it.   First, here’s a  little personal history; after all what’s a great story without a colorful beginning?

Once there was a little girl who loved to fix people. I know it doesn’t sound very glamorous, flattering or realistic but there it is. Fixing people or at best helping them in some way seemed to be part of my DNA.

For example: If someone is sad I want to make them happy or at least laugh. Naturally, if they are hungry I run to the nearest kitchen to prepare a meal or make do with a drive-thru. And if they so much as hint at needing spiritual guidance I will share my faith before they can say, Jesus.

My helping nature is a gift from God. Of this, I have no doubt. It has taken years for me to realize I must allow God to manage this great gift or it operates as a curse in my life.

Many may disagree with this but I know it to be true in my life from experience.

Even though helping others is part of my “gifting” it is not the gift I set out to tell you about. The real gift actualized when God tied my hands.  Suddenly, I found myself not able to give in the ways I had grown accustomed to. I experienced limits on my finances, family relationships, work, and health. You name it, nearly every area of my life was affected; at least everything that mattered to me.

As you can imagine, I felt lost and really hurt. The feeling that shocked me most was how worthless I felt.  My worth was tied to what I could do or give.   When I realized this, it made me ask myself,  “When exactly did I lose sight of the cross?”

How did I not see that my self-esteem and value were tied up in what I could do and not what had been done for me by my Savior? Through the years my focus slowly shifted from Jesus and his perfect work on the cross to my own imperfect works of effort and self-righteousness.

Most of the things I had been doing were not out of love, but obligation and pride.

I was miserable and had no idea how to fix it.
But God did! He metaphorically sat me down and allowed me to be still and know that he is God.
The Bible says the steps of a good man are ordered by The Lord. I love that even steps in the wrong direction are on his radar and rerouted. I rejoice in the fact that he loves me enough to come after me even while I’m running amuck (which I’m prone to do ?)

In my heart I know that I am still called to do good works for his glory; NOT MINE!

It would be self-satisfying to tidy this confession up with my pre-scripted ending of all has been restored, I learned my lesson and now I’m quadruply blessed with more than I had before.
The reality is, I went through a very long depression and mourned all that I had lost. I felt guilty for all the people I let down and questioned my faith quite a bit.

But God, in His grace, never leaves you unloved or his work unfinished. He has filled my heart with new joy- in Him. I feel lighter in my spirit. I better understand I am a steward through which good works pass and it is not up to me to sustain them. I have read the verse “My yoke is easy and my burden is light”, a dozen times. Why did I never truly realize the burden was His all along. I get to walk with Him but I cannot replace Him!

And much like my little girl, I never knew I wanted this gift or could even ask for it but I love it and need it so much.

As for good works, well there is always some way to show love and serve others whether it be on a grand scale or almost imperceptible to the world. I am also resting and recuperating from work overload and healing in his presence so that when the time comes I may be sent again❣

Copyright © 2015 Kim Jagwe

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